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Monday, February 27, 2012

UCF Tailgaters

#ORTO
It should be clear to the reader that this American baseballing scene takes place both on the campus of the University of Central Florida and on a chilly day.  The official BBB photographer makes the setting apparent within the photo’s composition through the skillful inclusion of not one, but two UCF logos.  The fact that this past Saturday was chilly is evidenced by the jacket-and-cargo-shorts ensembles on display.  What is also clear is the tailgating assembly is perched on the wrong side of the Jay Bergman Field scoreboard.

The tailgating UCF man cares not for what is being tallied on the scoreboard, for he already knows the score.  The score is he has a beer in his hand and you have a Dasani.  The score is he drives the vehicular truck God intended a man to drive and you drive a Chrysler Sebring, or some such nonsense.  The score is he has a smoking hot girlfriend, and sometimes Katelyn, in the back of that F150, lets him do to her what God intended a man do to a woman.   And that’s all that really matters, iddn’t?

The UCF tailgating gentleman practices more than just lust however, for he is after all, an Associate practitioner of the Arts, and in just three to four years will become a Bachelor of said Arts.  As a natural consequence of these facts, he recognizes the eight American greenbacks currently residing in his billfold might better be spent on more Natty Light, and not on admission tickets to see what can clearly be seen for free, from the grassy parking lot, a scant 350 feet away.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Florida Baseball Foliage

Attention all Florida minor league, spring training, and major league baseball landscapers.  There are many species of palm trees, some more pleasing to the eye than others.  Please refer to the images below when ordering new palm trees.  That is all.

Bright House Field, Clearwater, FL




(I would not dare sully the good name of this ballpark, a grande dame of Florida baseball.  So, its identity shall remain concealed as it is otherwise quaint, historic, and no longer home to any major or minor league teams.)





Monday, February 20, 2012

Michigan Catcher's Helmet



Things that are two toned are visually interesting.  Things that have stripes painted on them are usually quite sporty.  A thing that is two toned, has three stripes painted on it, and has a wing on the front is both bold and fanciful.  Such is the case with the University of Michigan baseball catcher’s helmet. 

The merely astute reader will note that Michigan is not in Florida.  However, the knowing reader will calmly clear his throat, close his eyes and gently shake his head at the merely astute reader for he is aware that Clearwater, St. Petersburg, and Dunedin played host to the 2012 Big 10 Big East Baseball Challenge this weekend prior.  The author was in attendance on opening night, Friday, at Dunedin’s Florida Auto Exchange Stadium, which is as appealing to the eye as its name is to the ear.  Shining through the visual blight was the aforementioned thing of two colors, maize and blue, festooned with three stripes and a wing, slightly modified from the iconic Michigan football helmet.  Dating back to 1938, the helmet is a striking reminder that the Michigan man who dons such headgear is marked by smartness in dress, and yet, is rough in manner, should it come to that, as it frequently does for a man of sporting action.  The dashing headpiece should also remind you that a Michigan catcher (a) is likely to stir impure thoughts deep within your otherwise chaste sweetheart should he be given half a chance, and (2) is apathetic toward your feeble protestations of strike three:




Postscript:  Michigan baseball has a long and hilariously dressed tradition.  Regrettably, and as recently as 2009, the author was known to fashion his hair in a manner not unlike that of the 1886 team.  Those scallywags.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Billy the Marlin Creates Mystery


Communiques that are brief often leave many unanswered questions.  Recent examples from the author’s own life include perplexing texts such as “I don’t think this is working”, “Please stop calling me”, or “I don’t want to do this anymore”.  These inscrutable messages do make one thing clear, however.  It is usually advisable, in the abiding interest of clarity, to express oneself too much, rather than not enough, lest the receiver of said communication open too many avenues of mental thought-type questions.  That is why I bring to your valuable attention this mystic jewel of YouTube as a cautionary tale.  Behold and you will know wonders and curiosities, all of which go unanswered.


It is true of this video, as of life itself, that there will be no part two. There will be no epilogue.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

The Giant Net of Spartan Baseball

Open batting stance


  













The only conclusion to be drawn from the current netting solution erected around University of Tampa's baseball field is that Paul Bunyan has signed a letter of intent to play for the Spartans.  Yes, it is true I suspect, the mythical lumberjack will retire his double blade axe and hobnail boots in favor of a baseball bat and cleats, thus necessitating the frighteningly large net beyond the outfield wall.  The stubbled and brawny masher may stand 63 ax handles high, but he pales in comparison to the giant enmeshment, whose very existence alters the migratory patterns of avian wildlife and can clearly be seen from outer space:

Google maps image
Several questions abound:
  • Why is the foul pole so short if the net is so tall?
  • We know Bunyan can fell the timber, but will he bring the lumber?
  • Considering the copious fecal output of Babe the Blue Ox, will the head groundskeeper ever need budget for fertilizer again?
  • Will the thunderous crack of Bunyan’s mighty club break dormitory windows, thereby frightening the genteel, and totally not slutty, coeds of Straz Hall?
  • Will the net be repurposed for missile defense?