Monday, May 21, 2012

Groundskeepers' Couch

Bright House Field, Clearwater, Florida

Are you a tired groundskeeper at Clearwater’s Bright House Field, the finest single-A ballpark Florida has to offer?  Need some break-time furniture to rest your weary bones?  Then plop down here on the sofa betwixt the oversized shovels and the 55-gallon trash receptacle.  Sit back, sink in, and give in to relaxation at the Groundskeepers’ Lounge and Equipment Garage Bay.  Let your ass sweat and back-of-the-knee dirt grime congeal with the ass sweat and back-of-the-knee dirt grime of fellow seedsmen.  With amphibian stillness, settle in to the touch, the feel, and all the glutinous warm memories of groundskeepers’ past.

Thirsty?  Need some coin for the vending machine?  Just plunge those hands into the teeming goodness of the couch crevice!  Oh, you never know what you’ll find down there!  Be forewarned, though.  The origins of the mysteries within, like the backwoods primordial swamp of a Primus-scored nightmare, are dark, plentiful, and best left uninvestigated.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Turreon Gammage Prize for Unbridled Enthusiasm

Back in February, B.J. Upton was using the picture below for his Twitter profile.  The descriptive text is a bit tiny, so the BBB editing department felt the need to reproduce it below for your convenience, valuable reader.

(Credit Image: © St. Petersburg Times/
Seven-year-old Turreon Gammage pumps his fist and screams “J” in response to a shout of “B” from the other half of the crowd during a visit by Tampa Bay Rays outfielder B.J. Upton to the Childs Park Recreation Center on Tuesday.  Upton and Rays teammates David Price and Matt Joyce visited seven recreation centers in St. Petersburg as part of the Rays Dugout Club program.  During his visit to Childs Park, Upton talked to the children about respecting themselves and respecting others.  He also told them they must work hard to achieve their goals in life.  Was Turreon impressed with Upton’s visit?  “I think he was awesome,” Turreon said, adding, “I’m his favorite fan.”  The Rays play the Cincinnati Reds at 12:10 PM today at Tropicana Field.

The young man’s enthusiasm is admirable.  The frenzied expression of passion towards anything other than politics, religion, or jingoistic pride usually is.  So join in the celebration of Turreon’s undampened sporting spirit.  Let loose the crazed, sugar-fueled seven-year-old within.  Allow yourself the rare pleasure of screaming in public at, and in support of, athletic millionaires living wildly better lives than you will ever.  Forsake utterly your gentlemanly and ladylike manner.  Loudly encourage your favorite athlete to catch that inanimate object, or move that inanimate object, or stop other athletes from catching or moving that inanimate object within the bounds of arbitrary rules agreed upon by both sides.  In support of this endeavor, and without a trace of irony, nor sarcasm, and with total and absolute earnestness, the BBB presents to you the Turreon Gammage Prize for Unbridled  Enthusiasm.

Since that day in February when he first witnessed Upton’s Twitter picture, this BBB contributor has been on constant vigil for a suitable recipient of the first ever Turreon Gammage Prize.   Due to the fleeting, combustive nature of enthusiastic outbursts, this contributor soon discovered it would be challenging to not only witness such a deserving recipient, but to also capture an image of this firebrand.  Adding to this difficulty is the fact it is very inconvenient for the BBB contributor to put down his pepperoni slice and all-you-can-drink soda to delve greasy hand into modern denim jean pocket in search of the official BBB camera, a little Vivitar 604 job with built-in electronic flash.

However, today is the day long anticipated.  From the comfort of his very own leathery and shaggy bachelor pad, this BBB contributor witnessed not one, but two deserving recipients, and captured the moment on Scotch brand T120 VHS video cassette.

Sombrero guys #1 and #2 know a loud voice can be either literal or figurative, and as such, see to it that Tropicana Field all-star ballot boxes are gorged early and often with the desires of two practicing and amiable democrats of the Rays Republic.  This is how democracy in baseball works, people.  And this has been the first ever Turreon Gammage Prize for Unbridled Enthusiasm.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Notre Dame Socks

USF Baseball Stadium
All base runners know they are not alone on those treacherous paths between the bases.  They know they will be guided and reassured by the calming voices of former combatants, stationed conveniently at first and third base.  Those sage voices will alert them to the current game state, as well as any potential threats and opportunities at hand.   

However, shrewd as they may be, to the young men of Notre Dame baseball, these counselors must seem a little comical as well.  How else would you describe a fully- and plumply-grown man wearing such socks?  Imaginative men’s hosiery, like any outlandish fashion contrivance really, is best left to the youngsters.  If your brain will allow it, take note of these seemingly incongruous facts:  Jesse Woods, first base coach and leader of young men, is both an object of reverence and of comic relief.