Inflatamaniacs

Attention reader:  Please power on your home all-in-one printer/copier/scanner.  Use the all-in-one printer/copier/scanner software to ensure your device's color ink cartridge levels are sufficient.  With your feet shoulder width apart, bend at the knees and print this internet post containing the Inflatamaniacs character biographies shown below. Using a no. 2 pencil and your wooden ruler, connect the Inflatamaniacs character on the left to the matching character biography on the right.  When you are finished, turn your paper facedown and remain seated until the proctor collects the exams.  If you matched the characters correctly, report to the principal's office immediately because you are subtly racist.

The official BBB videographer, who we shouldn't give up on just yet, captured the following Inflatamaniacs as they thrilled and delighted the crowd during the 2012 Florida State League All-Star Game at Charlotte Sports Park in Port Charlotte.

The 2nd Turreon Gammage Prize for Unbridled Enthusiasm

(Credit Image: © St. Petersburg Times/ZUMAPRESS.com)

We know from the archaeological record that the Fourth of July celebrates the overthrow of tyrannical dinosaurs by Sasquatch Jesus.  What we may never know is whether the rockets red glared for Eleanor Roosevelt that night she clung desperately to Hulk Hogan in the back of his sybaritic Camaro at the Battle of Gettysburg.

Lusty mysteries aside, the celebration of American cultural hegemony continues unabated. Behold, the second installment of the Turreon Gammage Prize for Unbridled Enthusiasm:

July 2012, Tropicana Field

Saddest Bear Ever

I am Saddest Bear Ever.  I shrink from the forefront like a violet undressed.  My countenance of woe and raised eyebrows question, “Does anyone love me?”  It’s hard to tell sometimes, you know?

You see, I’m not like the others.  Rocky the Bull, that majestic bovine stallion, blesses us with his broad shoulders, his proud snout and those beautiful horns of gold.  I don’t have those.  Phinley the Shark keeps the party rolling with shredded Bermudas and tons of pretty lady friends.  I don’t have those either.  Let's not  forget the centerpiece of this handsome group, Aaron’s Rent-to-Own Furniture NASCAR Racing Dog, brandishing that champion’s charisma like a weapon aimed straight at my broken little heart.

Who am I kidding?  My glass and Chick-fil-A Cow’s will never mingle and clink tastefully at the after-party.  I will not know the dashing thrill of a Jet’s Pizza Man’s rocket ride.  No mascot groupies will share come-hither glances with a loser the likes of me.  Why am I even here?  I should leave. 

I am Saddest Bear Ever.

May 12, 2012
Florida Auto Exchange Stadium
Dunedin, FL

The Buzzing Lights of Joker Marchant

A visual metaphor for the auditory intrusion of the incessantly buzzing lights at Joker Marchant Stadium, the otherwise beautiful and pleasing Florida home of the Detroit Tigers.